Yes, I did break in and steal your cat.

And I drank all your milk too. I think it’s important to know I did not give any of the milk to your cat.

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That’s a common misnomer and a good way to get cat diarrhea. That’s how much I know about cats.

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How much do you know?

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You don’t even know enough to know cats are about as loyal as you can throw them. By which I mean, if you throw them, they won’t be loyal anymore. Not saying you threw your cat necessarily.

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You know what did it? A couple pieces of bacon. And a belly rub. And some light scratching behind the ears. And a promise never to make him my only friend in this world (that’s too much pressure for a cat).

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And that’s how easy it is to steal a cat. If you don’t lock your door. And don’t have an alarm system or any ADT. And you choose to go to work every day at the same time (like a real dope).

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Ha, I didn’t even think of it until now. I’m a catburglar. And you’re a catless loser.

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Not because you lost your cat. But because your best friend was a cat. And that cat didn’t even love you back. Or at least not more than bacon. And belly rubs. And this pimpin’ ride I stole from your neighbor.

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2025 Range Rover. Leather upholstery. Heated seats. Sky window. So much room to meow and meow and nobody to tell it no.

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Nobody to tell it it has to be anything other than that cat it wants to be.

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Note: I also stole your bacon. 

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To be honest I was just gonna break in and see what it was like to be a loser. Like you. But then I saw the cat. And I knew what had to happen. For both your sakes.

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Really I did you a favor.

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